Relationship anxiety is not a personality flaw. It is typically an adaptation — a response the nervous system developed in the context of early relationships where connection was uncertain.
Attachment Theory and Early Caregiving
John Bowlby’s attachment theory (1969) established that infants are biologically wired to seek proximity to a caregiver for survival. The quality of that early bond shapes what Bowlby called “internal working models”, mental templates for how relationships work. Mary Ainsworth’s et al. (1978) identified distinct attachment patterns based on how caregivers responded to infant distress:
- Secure attachment – develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and attuned. The child learns, “When I need someone, they will be there.”
- Anxious (preoccupied) attachment – develops when caregiving is inconsistent — sometimes warm,sometimes distracted, sometimes emotionally unavailable. The child learns: “I cannot predict whether my needs will be met, so I must stay ”
- Avoidant attachment – develops when caregivers are consistently unresponsive or dismissive of emotional needs. The child learns: “My needs push people away, so I must not need it.”
Relationship anxiety maps most closely onto the anxious attachment pattern. The inconsistency of early caregiving trains the nervous system to be hypervigilant about connection — always scanning for signs that the bond is weakening. Hazan and Shaver (1987) demonstrated that these childhood attachment patterns persist intoadult romantic relationships. Adults with anxious attachment reported more jealousy, more obsessive preoccupation with partners, more emotional highs and lows, and more fear of abandonment.
Other Contributing Factors
While early attachment is the most robust predictor, relationship anxiety can also develop or intensify through experiences of past relationship betrayal or abandonment, emotionally immature caregivers, experiences of bullying or social exclusion, and/or cultural or family environments where love was earned through performance, compliance, or self-sacrifice
The nervous system’s role
Relationship anxiety is not just psychological. It is physiological. Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory (2011) describes the autonomic nervous system as operating on a hierarchy; when we feel safe, our social engagement system is active. We can connect, communicate, and regulate. When we detect threat, the sympathetic nervous system mobilises us into fight-or-flight. When threat becomes overwhelming, the dorsal vagal system shuts us down.
For people with relationship anxiety, ambiguous social cues such as a delayed text, a partner’s flat tone, or a cancelled plan can trigger the sympathetic system as if an actual threat were present. The body responds with adrenaline, cortisol, racing thoughts, and a desperate urge to resolve the perceived danger to the bond.
This is not a choice. It is not overthinking. It is the nervous system doing what it was trained to do: protecting against relational loss.
Stay Tuned for Part II: How Therapy Can Help
About the Author
Nicole Lam, MA, RCC is a Registered Clinical Counsellor at Emergence Counselling & Wellness. She offers trauma-informed, culturally responsive therapy for adults, with a focus on identity, intergenerational experiences, anxiety, depression, and relational concerns. Nicole provides counselling in English and Cantonese, supporting clients across British Columbia through virtual therapy.
Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 2. Separation. Basic Books.
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R. Leary (Ed.), Interpersonal Rejection. Oxford University Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. W. W. Norton.